Most Christians don’t want to discuss it, but this is a real battle. When my wife died, I lost my partner, and purity suddenly became a significant issue for me. I’ve fought the purity battle most of my married life, but it was in my mind, not on a screen. I’m ashamed to say this battle has gone into overdrive. I have no one in my house to hold me accountable, which causes my mind to wander about “options.” As a believer, I have honored Jesus the best I can with my body. Promiscuity and one-night stands are out of the question for me, as is living with a woman. I want to keep the same rules for purity I had with Deb. Purity is being sexually pure. What complicates this statement is that most people disagree with it. But my goal isn’t to “get away with as much as I can,” but to “honor Jesus,” by following his standards.
And his standards have not changed.
For clarity’s sake, I think I need to make myself clear; his standards have not changed.
God has called me to celibacy in my widowhood, and I accept this calling. It’s putting my faith over my desires. It’s trusting that God has a better plan for me than having cheap sex.
God’s word says:
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.”
I Corinthians 6:18 (ESV)
Mental Purity
By avoiding casual affairs, I’m not necessarily fulfilling Paul’s command. Sexual Fantasies, porn, and masturbation are sins I can commit without leaving my office. The Church is squeamish when discussing such sins, but I believe this is something the Church needs to talk about (and preach about). It’s a real problem. Marriages are being torn apart. Men’s lives are being destroyed. So, the Church needs to step into this problem proactively (rather than after the addiction has a stranglehold on us. Ignoring a problem never took care of it. Silence tends to increase the shame of this demon as well as its power over men’s and women’s lives. Experts claim that almost 80% of the Church in North America struggles with this problem regularly. Shouldn’t we be talking about it?
Jesus made it clear impurity of the mind is also a sin.
“But don’t think you’ve preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those ogling looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.” Matthew 5:28 (MSG)
The problem is I can put filters on my computer and cell phone, but it’s hard to put a filter on my mind without a lobotomy (something I’m trying to avoid). I find I struggle with wanting to find relief when my stress increases. And if grief falls under the category of stress, then I have a lot of stress. I spent far too much time in my married life thinking about sex, so now I have a problem. I have a desire, and no one can fulfill it.
So now what?
Being a widower has left an emptiness I can’t quite seem to fulfill. Or at least not the way I would like it fulfilled. Jesus comes into my life and tells me to give this problem over to him. It’s a heart matter (just like all sin is). By surrendering my heart, I find Jesus enough. At least, that is true sometimes. This is not an accusation against Jesus; it’s an admission of my sinful heart. I want the shortcut. I like the physical release. I like it, and I like it now.
This battle within is a battle that has quietly silenced thousands of men. I’m writing about it now, but this problem is more rampant than the Church would like to admit.
Porn
The avenue of pornography is just as wrong as it ever was as it ever was. But its lure over me has increased since sleeping alone. Other widowers have handled this battle better than I have, so I know it can be done (part of the rationale for widowers meeting together). I’ve heard of victories, which is wildly encouraging, but my battle within still rages. A decision I make at 9:00 AM will not always hold sway over my passions at 10:00 pm that same night. I’ve been told “decision fatigue” could be partly to blame for my lack of moral integrity at night, but I’m my fault. It’s my sin. At times, I am strong, while at times, I fail. Ownership is the first step in responsibility, and purity is no different.
I need other men in my life. Accountability is important, but not the solution. Jesus is the only solution, and it begins with my heart. Is he enough?
This is a terribly embarrassing sin that shrouds me with shame. Some in the Church rush to try to hush me up, telling me only men’s groups should talk about it or that this topic could be only discussed behind closed doors. The message I receive is, “Stay hidden, we don’t know to know about it.”
I understand that thinking, but does that help? If we sin, shouldn’t the Church speak into it?
I tend to hide, but this unhealthy response allows this sin to mushroom in the darkness of my heart. I think of that one Stephen King movie where he had a growth on his hand from a meter spill, and he eventually turned into a green plant as he hid in isolation (that, and he took a bath). I need the light of other men in my life. I need accountability. I know I can do anything I want and get away with it. My wife will never call me out on this sin because now, I’m all alone.
I know Jesus is my solution. I know he’s my source of strength. I know he loves me with an unending love. And yet I struggle. My devious mind finds new ways to seek its fix. I’ve had to destroy a cell phone and a laptop battle where I’ve failed.
I know the solution, but, at times, it doesn’t stick with me. I have no one to blame but myself. I need community, so I have men regularly pray for my purity with me.
Sin hardens my heart and weakens my resolve. My heart isn’t as pliable as it once was. Sometimes I don’t want to be pure. Under stress, I lose the motivation even to try. I need Jesus to see my need for Jesus. I’d love to say I’ve conquered this battle within, but that would be a lie. That which I don’t want to do, I do.
Mr. Hyde
It’s easy for me to hate myself when I have failed so many times. The story “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde,” by Robert Louise Stephenson, is a great example of the uncomfortable tension between doing what “feels good” versus doing what is “morally right.” It exposes the incredible power emotions play in moral decisions. Sometimes, there is a huge gap between what I should and want to do. For some reason, fundamentalists seem to forget this vital aspect of addiction. Sometimes, the emotions that pull from the path of righteousness are ignored, and this mistake can be devastating.
In this story, Dr. Jekyll is a nice, kindhearted physician who is seen as an upstanding man in his community. But when he drinks a special elixir he created, the good doctor turns into a cruel beast, Mr. Hyde. The first time this happened, it was an accident. But the feeling was remarkable. When the doctor was Mr. Hyde, he felt no shame and no fear, and he freely released his anger on whomever he wanted, whenever he wanted to. Dr. Jekyll was full of moral restraint, while Mr. Hyde had none. Jekyll knew it was wrong to turn into Mr. Hyde, but the experience felt so exhilarating to be free of all inhibitions that he found he liked turning himself into that beast again. That surge of power and release felt incredible. Secretly, the doctor loved that feeling. He became addicted to it.
In shame, the doctor hid his battle. The external battle of turning into the beast was an internal battle within the doctor. The battle within him was the actual battle, but no one saw it. And by hiding it, it eventually overtook him.
One night, Jekyll spontaneously turned into the beast while sleeping, even without drinking the elixir. He becomes his own nemesis. He contacted a friend to deliver the necessary chemicals as he hid in his location away from home. When his friend sees Mr. Hyde, he realizes that Hyde is Dr. Jekyll. The friend was so overwhelmed he died. The story ends with Dr. Jekyll out of his elixir and not sure if he will be hung for murder or if he will kill himself. He had no hope. Both of his options resulted in death.
An old Irish saying goes, “A man takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.” We move so quickly from occasionally wanting relief to needing relief and becoming a different person in the process. Perhaps hiding our problem is not the best way to handle it. The light of community can help us “right size” our sin to learn how to repent to Jesus.
Enjoying Sin for a Season
I’ve worked with many men at various stages of their recovery. Some are not interested in changing their use and are quite mad at me for suggesting they stop. Their goal is their next high; everything else is an irritating distraction. I’ve argued with men who feel it’s better to die from a fentanyl overdose than live like he is living (especially not high). Many freely admit they are comfortable dying as long as they can get that next high. The reward outweighs the risk.
Accepting death as a serious possibility but not stopping is a problem. It’s addiction.
Satan leads us toward the lies that we know are lies but seem to be worth the risk because we “need the fix.” Our enemy knows our fickle hearts and how our unacknowledged emotional release becomes our god.
But am I different?
Am I willing to sacrifice my integrity and dignity to run to porn? To what extent am I willing to keep a safe distance from this addiction? Am I comfortable with “giving in again,” and offering a planned confession? Addiction is an internal battle that separates me from things I value.
Divine Power
I have a problem creating sexual scenarios in my mind. I am an ungodly man, even with God’s presence, and I don’t have the power to keep myself pure. This slippery sin flits in and out of my brain with the least provocation. This battle is spiritual.
“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 (NIV)
I have the Word of God (Bible), the spirit of God (prayer), and the people of God (other brothers) to help me fight this battle. I may feel alone, but I am not. That’s why I claim these verses. Bringing a brother into my struggle causes me to slow down. Just thinking about his face causes me to slow down. This battle is deep within me. I serve a great God, but my old man hasn’t given up the struggle.
I know this is uncomfortable for some readers. It may be easy to talk about sin in the past, but the battle is in the present tense. I’m in a battle. I need Jesus really bad.
“Create in me a new, clean heart, O God, filled with clean thoughts and right desires. Don’t toss me aside, banished forever from your presence. Don’t take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation and make me willing to obey you.” Psalm 51:10-12 (TLB)