Getting back on the horse today….

June 11, 2012


….a precious moment in the Boundary Waters.


There’s nothing like climbing back on the “horse” of blog posts after being gone for a good 6 weeks. Ugh. (I didn’t have any horse photos….)

I don’t want to do it, I don’t want NOT to write again….it’s just that it sends me down a rabbit hole to look at Raw Grief again. But it has no less pressure, albeit a different rabbit hole, to have so much psychic time-space of non-thinking and non-writing about loving Katie go on in my day-to-day without her. I caught myself with a “rush” of missing her the other day that wasn’t at all connected with the blog and I was caught off guard. It didn’t feel like a prompting for something literary, it felt very very sad. And it reminded me of the difference between writing about sadness and feeling it raw. By building a blog that bridges to a legacy for Katie’s life, I have unwittingly constructed a wall against the natural mourning process. Any spontaneous eruption of grief has layers to move through now before it sees the light of honest emotion. And for a grateful recovering stoic, that is not a trend I want to encourage.

But there is only one linear continuum I have to work with. The clock ticks only forward, relentlessly moving us, me, downstream in time and I will never have this opportunity to tell my truth today in the fresh way that today would speak it, unless I just go ahead and write. Tomorrow would not speak it the same way. And I have only but my one voice, speaking of only my one perspective for this one “now” time. What a limited luxury, what a unique gift holding me hostage, what a pressure and responsibility. And that it would flow with joy when I finally get to it, at my great surprise, is the reason to get up tomorrow at 4:30 a.m. and do it all again.

I greet you as you read this today. I send blessings your way, that you may feel the precious weight of the moments ticking through your continuum. May you send love to those who need you to speak its truth now. There is no other time to do it, remember?

9 Responses to “Getting back on the horse today….”

  1. Please keep writing and sharing. All of us who read these posts are touched by them, need them, and are en-couraged by your existential honesty. I’m the luckiest of the readers!

  2. Emily Hedges said

    You’ve captured something important and familiar to all writers. It’s the blessing, and the curse, of the pressure to write. I hate it, but I’m eager to do it sometimes.

    • Kay said

      I know you know the conundrum, Emily. Now that I’ve gotten back on the horse, I have to write something, like….tomorrow!

  3. Christina said

    It was nice to log in to my email and see that you had a new post. I think that you are very brave to share your grief with the world and with your friends. It is sad but in our culture, death is treated as something that should be shunned, a sort of mistake in the works. Death is thought of as something that needs to be fixed. How are we to be sure this life is supposed to go on until we are aged. Perhaps those who pass early have more to bring into the life after death – forces they did not use up in this life. I think that many times in life we do not realize how many plans we made before we came down, plans to become better, to become more loving, and to be brave in the face of fear and desolation. I think that the timing of our deaths is very often perfect. For us. But never for those who are left behind. No matter when our loved one dies, it is not going to be the right time. And therein lies the rub.

    • Kay said

      Yep, you nailed it, Christina, as always. We walk around with this complete and utter disconnect with what our ultimate will be some day, tomorrow, in another stage of life…..Of course it is because, if we did “get it”, we would be so raw we wouldn’t be able to breathe easy, and therein lies the rub.

  4. Judy Greenwald said

    Kay, How TRUE your words are. And they resonate for all of us as we step back, but not away, from processing, learning, understanding the struggle in our lives… the tender places that seem to be just a breath away, longing for our attention. Beautifully said.
    Thank you again and again for opening your heart to us. I think I may write today.

    • Kay said

      XXOO to you! Yes, please write today. Judy. You have an eruption of life’s pathways converging all around you right now and your writing will anchor you as it propels you into more and more clarity—and hopefully we will be the benefactors of your wisdom. Please write, I want to read your synthesis of the last year and a half.

  5. This leaves me with much to consider…. Glad you are back!

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