Getting back on the horse today….
June 11, 2012
There’s nothing like climbing back on the “horse” of blog posts after being gone for a good 6 weeks. Ugh. (I didn’t have any horse photos….)
I don’t want to do it, I don’t want NOT to write again….it’s just that it sends me down a rabbit hole to look at Raw Grief again. But it has no less pressure, albeit a different rabbit hole, to have so much psychic time-space of non-thinking and non-writing about loving Katie go on in my day-to-day without her. I caught myself with a “rush” of missing her the other day that wasn’t at all connected with the blog and I was caught off guard. It didn’t feel like a prompting for something literary, it felt very very sad. And it reminded me of the difference between writing about sadness and feeling it raw. By building a blog that bridges to a legacy for Katie’s life, I have unwittingly constructed a wall against the natural mourning process. Any spontaneous eruption of grief has layers to move through now before it sees the light of honest emotion. And for a grateful recovering stoic, that is not a trend I want to encourage.
But there is only one linear continuum I have to work with. The clock ticks only forward, relentlessly moving us, me, downstream in time and I will never have this opportunity to tell my truth today in the fresh way that today would speak it, unless I just go ahead and write. Tomorrow would not speak it the same way. And I have only but my one voice, speaking of only my one perspective for this one “now” time. What a limited luxury, what a unique gift holding me hostage, what a pressure and responsibility. And that it would flow with joy when I finally get to it, at my great surprise, is the reason to get up tomorrow at 4:30 a.m. and do it all again.
I greet you as you read this today. I send blessings your way, that you may feel the precious weight of the moments ticking through your continuum. May you send love to those who need you to speak its truth now. There is no other time to do it, remember?