4:30 am Reflection (during my first few months of grieving)
May 9, 2012
If Katie is doing some “Angel-ing-’round-me”, I’d say she was very very good at it!
All joy comes from God….well let’s say that all joy and beauty and goodness come from the God space-time-continuum where that universe intersects this side of the veil and time stands still……it is the same place/time/space where the “aperture opens and closes quickly”…..you do not know where it comes from, what it is nor where it went when the aperture closes, but you know you have been blessed with something so sweet and delectable and precious that it’s essence remains. In fact it’s absence has more substance than that which is seen or known and clocked in “real time”. (Already you can see the conundrum of using language at all.)
And that essence of love intersected, that “angeling-around” or love-pierced-through-time is exactly where Katie-love is now. At least it is there where I look for her now days and keep finding her presence—unmistakably, un-known. Her impact is noted from behind time. “didn’t our hearts burn?” That is the language that best fits.
After Katie died, I was walking with Mary Adams along the St. Anthony-Main bridge area over the Minnesota River. It was early on after Katie’s death and early in my putting words together around the phenomenon of understanding my grief. It was easy to talk with Mary because she knows the language of the mystical, or the dynamic, the reality…….
While we were walking on the bridge, (I can see it specifically in my mind’s eye right now), I was trying to put words to my experience of feeling Katie’s presence in the short time since her death. I kept coming back around and around to use a language that centered around the concept of her presence-in-absence, at a palpable level of experience.
Knowing God is breath, the Breath of life….knowing that God’s love breathes through us, is in us, around us…I was declaring that I was experiencing a Presence of Katiness, a “Knowing” level of awareness, where Katie has been made One with God, or been absorbed, incorporated, mutually known of and by God, at the God-place-time intersection…..an Un-reality that is more real than reality itself…
I was trying to explain to Mary that I kept feeling Katie very very close at times and then not feeling her so close at other times…like God breathing-in and God breathing-out God’s Self, through Katherine….it was a palpable knowing, like God’s breath was breathing God’s breath where Katie now is. That she is able, somehow to come close and know and be known, but then go back into wherever her specificity absorbs into the Whole again….which of course is where she is most alive now, since her death.
At that time on the bridge, it was my best effort yet, in trying to articulate my experience. Using a kind of technical language the mystical writers in the 1300’s used to talk about experiencing God—called “apophatic” speech…..experiencing God through the un-knowing of God…..more powerfully knowing God-love through an un-knowing of God-love.
Meister Echkart prayed “I pray God to rid me of God”.
That’s all I can say for now. Or, better yet, that’s all I can not-say for now:
God breathing God’s-Self through the breathing of Katie-love….breath in and breath out….as I walk through life in her un-presence…..a powerfully real place to be. When I experience it, I can only know it after I look backwards and say, during that time,
“wasn’t my heart burning?”